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(came from cell block three)

Long Time. Me love you long time! [24 Mar 2011|10:12am]
[ mood | good ]

So, livejournal updated? Don't like it. I like Evernote a lot. It's a cute little app on my android that allows me to post notes. Writing is the best therapy. I still try and capture my thoughts. They run fast, but sometimes I catch them and write them down.

I feel like I am getting a cold and/or sinus infection. My chest feels very heavy. It was worth seeing Joe last night though. Probably should take some B12 supplement. There's a department meeting at work today... at my "new" job. I have to take minutes, I don't feel up to it. C'est la vie. I am seriously doing some major consideration with my schooling. Applied economics? I don't know. It's getting hard to breathe.

Ever feel like Buddy the elf --where you just want to go shouting "I'm in love, I'm in love, and I don't care who knows it!!!" Well, I feel like that. So, I guess uhh, well umm... I'M IN LOVE, I'M IN LOVE, AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!!! Damn, straight. Dire Straights? Hah. Well, I must go put on my war paint, I mean face paint. Same thing? Cause the meeting is going to start and right now I really look like Casper's sister.

(came from cell block three)

Simply. [12 Jul 2010|10:03pm]
You know the saying, "It's eating me whole"... or something like that? Well, I think a more appropriate saying or way of putting it is: "It's eating me slowly and slowly feasting on every little delicate bit".... It's not something that just overtakes you, it's something that eats slowly at you, building an ulcer inside of your mind.

Take me far away from here
to a land where no one knows
A mere light year there
with no more foes

(came from cell block three)

Windfalls. [01 Jul 2010|03:28pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Should I see a therapist? Someone who I have to pay to listen to me talk.  Paying them with money instead of favours and so forth. Why is it so hard to be happy? I, luckily don't fall into the depression trap for long, but I feel down. Joe really stabs me. He gets to me so bad. I don't know what I want anymore. I feel like no one really cares. I am exhausted. I need a change. I wish I can keep Chloe at my apartment but I can't. I have to find a new place, again. It's horrible. I forgot what I was really going to say when my vision became blurry-eyed and I was going to quietly cry...at my desk at work.

If I get away, will it all go away? Baltimore? Boston? Anywhere.

(came from cell block three)

tears of... [30 Jun 2010|07:11pm]
"You're even cuter than I thought".,. Uh, thanks? I guess my book nerd-esque and vegan --broccoli over biscotti lifestyle makes it easy to imagine me as something not so cute? Eh, c'est la vie. I have to ask my landlord about Chloe. Dreading it. However, the little kid upstair is extremely rude and disrespectul. Ugh. So, packing went decent, as to be expected. Still some boxes left and a lot of my laundry.  A lot of my stuff got ruined from water damage, i.e. Photos, lots and lots of photos, childhood photos, photos I took, my portfolio, journals, the works. Very sad.  I am grateful though for what I can salvage, because some people don't even have that opportunity.

This week I start sleeping in my apartment for real, I mean I start living in my apartment for real... Chloeeeeeeeee! I love Mooshu too, don't get me wrong. I love both of my little furry pups."

Okay, I just found this in my drafts, so why not put it up there... anyway a lot has happened this past week. A friend of a friend's passed away, well someone I went to high school with. He was way too young, and I am very shaken up about it. I wish it didn't happen, I wish he was still here on our planet but he's here just not in body form. He was a very talented musician, comic, and actor. Rest in peace <3! It always make me think that we're not invincible. It could and can happen to any one of us.  It's truly sad.  We need to live life to the fullest everyday because before we know it, it's gone. We also should make sure that everyone knows how we feel because it could be the last time we see them.

Today's society likes to play games, playing with fire and minds and hearts. I don't want to do that. I just am so sad, and my mind and thoughts jump around.

P.S. CBS took my story... so now I can't do it. Guys are mean, also.

I feel so lonely. Is it my own fault? 

(came from cell block three)

Sassy this and that. [14 Jun 2010|04:14pm]
"You're even cuter than I thought".,. Uh, thanks? I guess my book nerd-esque and vegan --broccoli over biscotti lifestyle makes it easy to imagine me as something not so cute? Eh, c'est la vie. I have to ask my landlord about Chloe. Dreading it. However, the little kid upstair is extremely rude and disrespectul. Ugh. So, packing went decent, as to be expected. Still some boxes left and a lot of my laundry.  A lot of my stuff got ruined from water damage, i.e. Photos, lots and lots of photos, childhood photos, photos I took, my portfoli, journals, the works. Very sad.  I am grateful though for what I can salvage, because some people don't even have that opportunity.

This week I start sleeping in my apartment for real, I mean I start living in my apartment for real... Chloeeeeeeeee! I love Mooshu too, don't get me wrong. I love both of my little furry pups.

(came from cell block three)

Nice or not so nice afterall? [06 Jun 2010|05:23am]

Nice guys, are so, well, nice. Or are they? I don't know if they're all that nice, because I think they have secret agendas, where as the d-bags/not so nice guys are open about what they want. The d-bags lay it all on the table, so you're left thinking "wow. seriously? what a douche!" Where is with the nice guy, you're like aww that's so sweet, he's going to help me with this, but meanwhile he's like maybe if I help her, she'll want to have sex with me... Nope! C'est la vie, right?

Yet, maybe the nice guys even with their secret agendas are still semi-nice or at least they will do nice things for you where as with the d-bags they're not going to do that at all they just want the aftermath for no work. However, most girls have the nice guys do the dirty work and then the d-bag gets the aftermath anyway, and why? I think we like to prove ourselves, we like self validation. We want to prove to this d-bag that we are worth it.  Most of the time though baby, he just wants to get laid. He doesn't care if you get an A in your class, if your embarking on a new life, none of it. He only cares if it effects what he's going to get.

Now, I know I don't believe in passing judgment or stereotypes so this is merely an observation and I'm only speaking for myself.  I would be interesting in getting to know either nice guy or d-bag because you never quite know.

(came from cell block three)

Really?! [05 Jun 2010|01:32pm]


So, this is an entry filled with resolutions.  Yes, I will start updating here more often. Yes, I will start cleaning more (okay, maybe that's an iffie one), I will just be. I like that one the best.
Unfortunately, I had a falling out with someone very close to me.  As a result, they "turned" everyone from my hometown against me.  Imagine how hard it is to walk the streets and knowing everyone glaring at you, "hates" you. The worst part is, the reason isn't even a good one, and they never even wanted to know my side.  Then again, because they never even wanted to hear my side of the story makes it as though I wouldn't want to surround myself with people that are ignorant in the fact they only believe one side.  I personally can't make a judgment on anything until I know both sides of the story, and even then I can't because if I'm not directly involved in the situation then I don't really know everything.  As a result, it makes me want to confront all the bitches, but it's not worth it.  I needed to vent, rant, get this off my chest.

I never did anything directly to these people, but they feel as though I've hurt someone near and dear to them.  High School Drama 102, seriously? I thought we all graduated High School Drama 101 and were finished, but apparently there's a whole major in that.  I guess I'm not worth it enough to these people to get to know my side. Not only that, I know the person that turned the people against me only likes to surround themselves with yes people. I don't do that. I have many friends, and not one friend I know would merely take my side just to take my side. They always want to know the other side. I can honestly say I never make the other person out to be a monster like they claim.  Of course, I'm going to tell a story as I see it. However, I always put myself in the other person's shoes and tell it like that as well. I don't censor or hide the bad actions I've done, I tell them. "Well, this is what happened, but in turn I did this...."  Even my parents don't just take my side because I'm their daughter. Sometimes it sucks, but I'm grateful. I'm glad that the people close to me don't just yes me to death because it's supposedly what I want to hear, because it's not. I want to hear the truth. "Does this dress look okay on me?" Please answer honestly. I have the friends that will either say, "Yeah, it does!" or "No, man, god no!" It can be harsh at times, but guess what? Life's a harsh place.

So more or less, I just wanted to write this and say Fuck you to a certain someone and a fuck you to all those followers of his. I don't ever wish bad upon anyone, but of course bad things are wished upon me constantly. I'm just a chick working her way though life. I get no financial support from my parents, I work a full time job, I pay rent, utilities, tuition, et cetera. I have two dogs that I have to take care of, pay their vet bills... the works. I'm not saying I have it worse than anyone else, because I love life and I know other people have it worse, but to me this affects me. Anyway, life can be stressful.  As to be expected.  I am human too.  I have wants and desires.  Sometimes I can't help how I feel, I don't think anyone can quite control their emotions or maybe they can?  I like being a free butterfly.  I know I've done bad things, but I've done a lot of good things too, I'm sure I'll still do bad and good things, but does that make me a darn awful person or does it just make me human like everyone else?

Put yourself in my shoes.

It's okay, I know you don't want to, Why's that? I'm bitter, jaded, a mess, but I sure as hell put a smile on my face and act as though life is the greatest thing ever, because you know why? Despite all the bad, it is! Without life, is nothing, and gosh darn it. Always take something over nothing.

(came from cell block three)

Walking on Eggshells? [19 May 2010|02:22am]
[ mood | sad ]

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, yet I'm tempted to run across them and break them all.

I wish to be respected. I've always or at least mostly have tried my hardest to always put myself in the other person's shoes. Admittedly, I haven't always liked what I've seen or felt doing such, and I've either made changes or just ignored it because I didn't want to do that. I wanted to live for myself despite any consequences of my actions.

I have extremely vivid dreams, always have; to the point where they mesh with reality and I'm left dazed and confused in a fog of puzzlement and bewilderment.  "Did this really happen?" "No... It couldn't have. Could it have?"  On a side note, I have my final tomorrow for Television Journalism. Which is by far the best course I've ever enrolled in.  I am not going to lie and say it was not a lot of work, because it was.  At least eight pages a homework assignment, most ranging in the teens... I enjoyed it though.  Now, for someone who excelled in the homework assignments and class discussions worry so much about an exam? I feel like I will forget all the extensive vocabulary. If I do pass this final exam, I'm pretty much fucked. I worked my ass off for nothing, then? I'm trying not to stress, but honestly I've never worried so much about an exam. I've never studied before in my life except for five minutes before the U.S. History Regents if that much.

I'm writing this on my sister's laptop which is really confusing, because I've always been a PC girl. It's late and I have work in the morning and I feel like I won't wake up, as per usual.

"I'm only nice to you when I want something"... Why is this happening to me? Whatever. Douchebags are disgusting. I try not to be judgmental but when you're dealing with the classic d-bag or even worse a psychotic bipolar asshole you start to go crazy. C'est la Vie?  I'm scared. Living on my own soon! Moved into the apartment, but I don't have anything in there besides a record player and some vinyls. I painted half the apartment yellow, with help from my peers. Thank you. So, this weekend I'll be moving in, I guess? Packing, finals, Fluffy being sick. It's a lot on my plate.

Whispering willows
angry arms
holding me back
pushing me away
spinning in circles

lucid dreams
what's real
what's fake
it's all the same

(came from cell block three)

aye aye aye! [09 May 2010|03:45pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

So, maybe I was mistaken... but, we all make mistakes; right? I constantly flip flop on everything. I find something I don't want to do that with anymore and it winds up being a flop. Is it me? I'm beginning to wonder. I, then stop myself.  On another note, looks like I'm not moving to Brooklyn right away anyway, staying on Long Island... doing the responsible thing. I did think, "hey, I'm young! Take a chance!" However, maybe this is good for now.  Everything happens for a reason. I am lucky to have the job I have, and I can now bike ride to work. Which is really good, I mean I'm a gluten-free vegan and I can really get into top knotch shape. Benefits my body, my wallet, and the environment.  Another win-win-win situation.  My apartment is semi-gloomy.  I'm bringing Mooshu, but unfortunately not Chloe.  It's going to be hard, but maybe in time?  I figure I'll be living in isolation, solitude.  I'll have to focus on my studies and maybe even write a novel?  I did really good so far this semester, and I'm still doing good... I just have to get an interview with a police officer for my final; proving to be quite difficult.  Well, I am able to paint the apartment before I move in.  I hope the Governor does not instill a furlough for state employees because I really can't afford a cut in salary.  My apartment doesn't have a stove. How can a vegan survive sans stove? Going to be a hot plate and a conventional oven? Or whatever they're called.  I feel kind of foolish and sad, but I'm trying to make the best of everything in my life.  "With faith anything is possible..." I know what I want. I shouldn't settle for anything less? I am excited at what life has to offer! I need to start packing, and all this "fun" stuff!!

(came from cell block three)

First song on the album -- Mystery and Misery. Oh, how true. [19 Apr 2010|12:40am]
[ mood | blah ]

I shouldn't have opened up my mouth...

Side Note: I took a nap [ugh] and woke up a bit ago and now I can't go back to sleep. Considering reading, but then I feel guilty because I should be reading my text book or doing homework. I have over thirty short/long answer questions that are due Wednesday night. Mama Mia!!

Saw a production of MacBeth today at Five Towns College... It was interesting, they put on a "unique" version. Kind of sultry in between important scenes, with girls from the underworld touching each other. I'm not a prude but it just didn't go with MacBeth, otherwise though ---good stuff.  Then, we went home for like a minute and then went to Brooklyn to get some Oasis Falafel. Totally pigged out on that. Oh, did I mention that I was totally fucked up? That I drank Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday day? Haha.  Mama wouldn't be proud.  All in all, a busy weekend.  Oh, and Saturday night saw Kick-Ass.  I was unsure about how I felt supporting broke ass Nicolas Cage but I must say he did do a good job so it was all right.  Mindy aka Hit Girl, yeah, that was pretty intense. Found a phone in the bathroom at the movie theatre and texted the last person in the log, "Nigga"... Yeah... Gave the phone to workers, and I hope the person gets their phone back. That would suck if it happened to me and I would sure as hell hope someone would turn it in.  Friday night saw Children of Men. Wow, what a depressing film.  In reality though it was well written and the cinematography was great it was just sad, overwhelming. One of those great films that sort of stick with you for awhile. Last night I also watched some Bleach on adult swim and that shit was so fucked up and creepy. I hate anime.  This is sort of disorganized.  I was going for a whole backwards in time thing but I just effed that up. 

Should I go read a sultry/corny romance novel to fall asleep? At least if I start Sense and Sensibility I'll be feeding my brain. Oh, also the library says I still owe the Talking Heads set but I totally returned that shit in the slot. Lesson learned: never put anything in the slot--unprotected. See it through! Also missing two library books and one is in Pennsylvania. All overdue. Joy (to the world).

and you’ve got a certain detached glare
and I know what you’re getting around to
maybe you’re already there
--Rainer Maria


(came from cell block three)

men suck... it's the truth, deal with it. [05 Apr 2010|05:59pm]
Men are pigs. It disgusts me. I hate to be stereotypical, as I do believe in equality and nonjudgement. However, most men I come across are fucking assholes.

I have a real feel of deja vu right now.... and I had a dream this other night that someone would contact me and then today I woke up to notice they had contacted me... weird!

I have to go interview Doc. tonight and I'm nervous. I'm wearing one of my Tara skirts and shirts... not professional? Am I going to have to break out the work outfit? Or as I call it, my interview outfit?! Nervous. I'm going to wing it!

(came from cell block three)

Thinking... [29 Mar 2010|11:38am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

I am really glad that I can laugh about things.  If I lacked the ability to engage in laughter, what would my life amount to? That thought is scary.  I empathize with humans who have the inability to laugh at any given moment.  A sense of humour is really important to have in life.  You have to be able to laugh at the embarrassing moments, the life's funny like that moments, the I can't believe I did that moments, the I can't believe that happened moments... the life in general moments.

I am seriously going to get into journaling again.  It's a shame not too. Absolutely. That way I can look back at my entries and, you know, laugh!  (I, of course have private and/or friends only ones, and those I must admit are quite hilarious). 

Even when something shitty happens, you have to kind of be grateful because everything does happen for a reason, even if it is just to learn from your mistakes, or to grow as a person, or laugh about it.  I don't regret actions or comments that I've made because it all adds to the enjoyment I can get out of life.  My sick pleasure to never quite go and run with happiness but draw in that smile on all my photographs and pretend I did. 

I think instead of literally running from things, I should get a treadmill and run on there, running in place but never actually leaving.  A fake escape.

I am excited to find a new place to live, somewhere I hope to make homey and cozy and watch movies, cook vegan meals, have dinner parties, and just curl with a good book.  I am excited to decorate my room. Which, I never quite ever accomplish?  I have awesome posters and artwork, and figurines... I feel like when you see someone's abode, it really gives you an inside look into them.  Does that make sense? 
(Does anything I ever say make sense? Don't answer that).

This entry is just encompassing everything I've felt for the past few months, it is not in any means directed at any particular situation(s) but something that has been lurking in my mind, opening up and closing doors, creating a crime scene inside my head. "Who, what, where, when, how, why?" It's like being barraged by reporters shoving microphones at me and asking questions every time I go and do something.  I hate asking "How do I shut it off? How can I stop the thinking? Or at least quiet it down?" I've realized I don't want to stop thinking, because one day when I die, that will happen and as far now I should embrace my constant thinking and use it for good.

(came from cell block three)

Maybe... one of the most challenging words in the English language. [23 Mar 2010|02:07pm]
[ mood | curious ]

Well, maybe I'm like my father
Strung out on something or another
Held to a standard
We were always sinking under
And maybe I'm like my mother
She shattered cause no one loved her
Maybe I, Maybe I am like no other

And some moments are more real than the books I've read
And a good woman, maybe she meant what she said
Cause to feel you now ya know, it goes straight to my head

--Third Eye Blind

P.S. I realize I'm listening to Three Dog Night, when I posted Third Eye Blind lyrics in the entry.  Both start with variables of Three, kind of interesting? No?

(came from cell block three)

wake up! [26 Oct 2009|06:16pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

living with reality is like swallowing a spoonful of nasty medicine that you just want to spit back out into the face of whoever made you take it! well, thanks but i'd rather go back to living in my bubble... a serene fantasy world created in which there are no douchebags, no insane amount of homework, and lots of cute animals.

wake up little susie tara wake up!

p.s. on a side note, six years ago today i had my first "real" kiss whilst listening to "dancing with myself" by billy idol and "mystery girl" by the yeah yeah yeahs. although i'm pretty sure that music was playing while attempting the kiss, and of course i chickened out. then my mom had to come pick me up and then i realized it was now or never... or well 'til next time. either way, it happened. lovely high school memories! and, by the way i don't think it makes me lame that i was sixteen when i got my first real kiss. age doesn't matter.

(came from cell block three)

thanksgiving is coming... [24 Nov 2008|10:17am]
[ mood | calm ]

i suppose it's been awhile. such a shame too, because keeping a journal is a really groovy thing to do.
so, yesterday i needed a pen, and did i have one? no. can you believe it? a writer, not have a writing utensil on them? it's a shame, really. so, i had one somewhere, thank god from when i was younger... weird. anyway, i was able to use it, but i have to keep one in my bag.

so, i'm really sore too because i fell down basement stairs. i hate stairs! they scare me. i need to buy a jacket, shoes, some warm clothing! seriously. i think this winter is going to be cold, cold, cold!

a lot has happened, and i know deep down, "everything happens for a reason" but it's not always easy to accept it.  it's actually quite hard, but somehow if i keep telling myself that there's a reason for all of it, then i feel a bit better. other things, hopefully good will come from it somehow.

and for now, that's all. i guess i've turned into one of those people who don't like to air their dirty laundry? 
i don't know.... lazy too, i guess. haha. some things don't change.

i do wish i was a journalist. i am a journalist. I AM. i can be whatever i put my heart to!

oh and happy thanksgiving! despite the fact that i do not condone the killing of turkeys for people's personal pleasure of eating one every year in november. it's rather wrong.

so please make some vegetable dishes! they're quite yummy as is tofu! get yourself a tofurkey turkey!

this is a vegan thanksgiving for me, of course! it's gonna be good, i have recipes created and ideas formulated. yums!

(1 mystery girl | came from cell block three)

cinnamon pine combs are kind of nasty. [27 Feb 2006|01:15pm]
[ mood | morose ]

i jump when the doorbell rings. it was my "aunt", and so then she says "hi, dirty dropout" and then she says, "where are you working?" and then i said "nowhere" and she said "what the bleep is up with that?" so yeah. suckie, it makes me feel like crap even if it is the truth. fluffy keeps barking like crazy. soon enough i wanna post a picture of the gorgeous little fluffy. yeah, i do need to shower and then i need to do my eyebrows a la wax. i utterly hate tweezing them. actually, i've never done it myself always have had people do it for me. tomorrow is the last day of february, then it is marchhh. and that means spring is soon! hoorah. that's absolutely luscious. i'm still sick, and that sucks, but it's okay. i have this infected papercut on my finger,and then there is a line coming down my finger, which is really no good. but that's okay. sassafras love.

(2 mystery girls | came from cell block three)

ingy chingy. [18 Jan 2006|12:19pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

i may not be aiming high according to some standards, but i want to be a receptionist/ secretary/ clerk, so HERE I COME, RECEPTION DESKS!
such a nerd, such a nerd. i really want to take a ceramics course. i'm so nervous for interviews and i don't know i have a cold/ the flu and it sucks, but i'm getting better and i'm also getting happier again which is a total plus. and i guess that's that for now.

(came from cell block three)

tease me baby. [15 Dec 2005|09:13pm]
[ mood | creative ]

le whoa, i haven't updated in so long, that live journal has changed so much. this shit is wack! wow this is crazy.

i need stories of how people first met!! i'm so interested in them and they're for a project. i need young couples, old couples, anything. your parents, grandparents, yourself, your friends, anything. it would be greatly appreciated!!


mmm i love the shirelles. they are awesome to listen to when you have work to do or something.

(2 mystery girls | came from cell block three)

bug bites make me itch like a flea inflicted kitten. [05 Oct 2005|02:29pm]
[ mood | loved ]

i'm pretty happy right now.

(1 mystery girl | came from cell block three)

haha dinosaurs are cool. [14 Aug 2005|06:19pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

roxhai (4:37:54 PM): dude, you were in my dream last night. friskyness.
roxhai (4:38:08 PM): so right you were in my dream and you were like gonna go out with an eight year old... GNARLY?!
roxhai (6:07:15 PM): i have really bad butt pains.
roxhai (6:07:29 PM): & i ate facial cleanser.
roxhai (6:07:32 PM): but that truly on accident.
roxhai (6:07:46 PM): boo it says DO NOT EAT. and then what does my mouth have to do, it gets tempted and eats it.
roxhai (6:07:48 PM): argh.
roxhai (6:08:06 PM): but yeah you were in my dream and we were listening to records on a day bed. like we were like being all girly and shit
roxhai (6:08:22 PM): and you were gonna go out with an 8 year old but you were like "i don't know..." and i was like "yeah go for it man!"
roxhai (6:08:57 PM): and the music was playing, you could hear the faint music coming from the record player, but it was weird because the record was spinning but the pin wasn't on it, and therefore couldn't play but it was spinning and there was light music.
roxhai (6:09:00 PM): and then we were outside
roxhai (6:09:07 PM): and i don't really know we were looking at grass and flowers.
roxhai (6:09:16 PM): and then a doctor came and was like 'it's physical time!'
roxhai (6:09:38 PM): and it was in my basement and then i said 'let's go in this room, there's more light' and she was like 'no, too much light ruins results'
roxhai (6:09:41 PM): i was like what this is weird
roxhai (6:09:48 PM): and then she was like PUBERTY CHECK TIME
roxhai (6:09:51 PM): and i was like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
roxhai (6:10:01 PM): i was like dude i'm eighteen and i have my fucking period all the time, i think i'm good
roxhai (6:10:06 PM): and i was telling her off and shit
roxhai (6:10:23 PM): and like my mom and my sister were talking about fires and i told my sister if my whole body was on fire i'd still get her out.
roxhai (6:11:01 PM): and this was like my one dream with ms. finkle, dr. ente in my basement and abe lincoln and little bo peep at my front door, and also like the one where it was the end of the world and the big pteradactyls were swooping people in my backyard and the other dinosaurs.
roxhai (6:11:13 PM): i have fucking wicked dreams, that are scary. night mares gallore.

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